I was born with a loving heart – ardent – a soul full of enthusiasm, but I was brought into the world by a monstrous unnatural mother – Among 5 children I was the only girl – This mother had made 9 without loving any one of them … We children growing up like poor dogs – the ‘marâtre’ giving more blows and curses than bread – She picked on me unceasingly above all because I was the weakest and a girl – consequently according to her without a brilliant future which would flatter the parents’ vanity.

Hell – hell – hell! – tortures – scandals – Ugoryński has been losing calamitous trials which, for a few years, have been threatening his complete ruin – … – The approaching bankruptcy made it clear to her that she would have to make her living abroad – What could she do? Only one solution – to teach children – however much she hated it! – it was the only thing

The ‘marâtre’, without waiting for me to obtain some kind of support … chased me from the house by means of the grossest words – ‘I don’t care where you go – go and work in a shop – it’s all the same to me – Get out’

She couldn’t fall asleep that evening – strange and chaotic thoughts – haunting her mind – All sorts of solutions passing through her head – Whispers of madness – frenzy – passion – they all tempted her and harassed her – She tried her best to restrain her pride and defiance but they were erupting from the depths of her soul that had been imprisoned against her will – She thought: why shouldn’t I accept this old man? – I know more or less what he is planning – what his intentions are – Maybe this will be the path to liberation – I will grow stupid if I carry on working as a nanny – governess – He could help me swim back up to the surface of intelligent life – It’s impossible to lead this despicable life any longer

As you can see, for a month I have been trying to face death – Don’t think that I regret ending my life or that I am afraid of doing so – no – I am still thinking, considering whether I could still do something in my life, achieve anything – I lack the confidence and strength to face new difficulties awaiting me – and as I never had anyone in the past I also don’t have anyone now who could give me courage, comfort me

If today I am a cripple and the poorest creature of all the poor – a homeless vagabond – a rebellious destroyer – it’s all thanks to you … – You have done nothing to secure my future – to prevent me from falling – from poverty 

I wrote you a letter full of reproach, a violent letter, asking you to find some means to get me out of this country since it was for you that I had come … I moan I repent I hate myself – the mere thought of my brutality brings the blood to my temples. Perhaps my letter unnerved you … – perhaps it even Ah, I cannot bear to think of it
... Petit Gars – beloved – despite the months passing – my grief doesn't shrink – doesn't diminish at all. I see you continuously immobile – Your beautiful eyes closed forever –Your body palpitating with exuberance annihilated by a brutal force – a bullet

No love could be more perfect than that which fills me now, but it is all too late: I feel that all this will end by me going mad. Is that the worst? No, the worst is already here and if madness will make me forget – then I desire it now



Quotes come from various Sophie's writings: her novel 'Hysterical Woman' (written in Polish), her autobiography 'Matka' (written in French and English), her short stories 'Christmas Eve Abroad', 'Ana in London' (Polish) and her diary 'To your dearest memory' which she wrote in French after Henri's death. 

Back to Top